Thank you to everyone for your comments on my last post, and your emails. You all made some good points, and gave me a lot to think about.
The thing is, ever since I discovered Paleo eating, it’s somehow lodged itself in my brain as The Superior Way Of Eating. I bought the hype, all of it. I bought it HARD. And my experiences with it were good, great even – especially with the Whole30, when I felt like my whole life had been transformed in 30 days.
So Paleo eating works for me … except when it doesn’t.
I mentioned in my last post that I lost 11 lbs on the Whole30 – and then proceeded to gain 20 as soon as I went off. Since discovering Paleo, I’ve become a total yo-yo dieter, something I NEVER was before. And I can’t help but think that’s a very dangerous trap to fall into.
But do I blame Paleo for that? Shouldn’t I just try harder to make it work? After all, it IS The Superior Way Of Eating!
My beautiful and wise friend Enz sent me an email yesterday that said:
You’re drowning and you have to do something. It doesn’t matter if the lifesaving device is driftwood or a life preserver or a rescue boat with cute firemen – if you don’t grab onto something, you’re going to keep sinking and drown.
She is absolutely right. I AM drowning, in a sense. And Paleo is my raft of cute firemen, the one I keep waiting on to come and save me. But, like those years ago when I first started losing weight – I need to remember that I have to save myself. And if all I can reach is a piece of driftwood, then that’s what I’ll use to pull myself to shore. I can worry about those cute firemen once I’m in a position where I can keep my head above water, if I even still want to.
After mulling things over yesterday, and crying a little and feeling sorry for myself (not at Enz’s email, but at the truth of it), I did something else. I went back and read every gosh darned entry in my old blog. All 357 of them.
The vast majority of that blog is from my “Weight Watchers heyday”, as I like to think of it. I lost close to 100lbs on that blog, right there for the world to see. And, despite the tediousness of some of posts and the intense navel-gazing feeling I had, I LOVED rereading those posts.
You know why? Because I was so fucking happy.
For some reason, I had convinced myself that I was miserable on Weight Watchers. “White-knuckling” I called it the other day. “Not a way to live,” I told someone.
You know what? A bad back and aching hips and gaining 20lbs in eight weeks is NOT A WAY TO LIVE EITHER.
Rereading those posts made me realize how much I truly missed that life. One post in particular really hit home for me – 10 Things I Wish I Could Tell My Former Fat Self.
Reading that made me cry all over again, because although it was written to my “former” fat self, I also felt like it could have been written to my “current” fat self. But the thing I realized is – I want to be that person again. I want to be the girl who wrote that.
You know, after the Whole30 was finished, I felt like I’d undergone a huge shift in my personality. It was amazing! It was revolutionary! It was proof that Paleo was the way to go! But reading through these old posts, and this one in particular, made me realize that I underwent the same (or a very similar) shift when I was following Weight Watchers and working out. It just happened more slowly, over time, so I didn’t even realize it was happening. But looking back over that blog, I can see it plain as day.
I don’t want to be this person anymore, this lump. I want to be that one.
So where am I going with all this? Well, if you haven’t figured it out by now, here’s one more clue:
I realized yesterday that my old Weight Watchers meeting still worked with my schedule and work location – and that it was held on Tuesdays, which was today! So it was either bite the bullet and go today, or give myself a whole other week to hem and haw and second guess myself. And the thing about me is, once I decide something, that’s it!!
So I’m going back to basics. Weight Watchers, and lots of blogging. Brace yourself friends – it’s about to get all Point-y up in here. :)
Probably some people won't agree with this decision -- and heck, I don't know if it'll be the right thing for me forever, but right now it is. It absolutely is. I can't even tell you how good I felt being back in that room today. Turns out my life-saving raft isn't filled with cute firemen -- it's filled with middle-aged women in polyester slacks, and I am so fucking happy to be back in that boat with them.