This week I made a startling and sad discovery -- I'm less than 20lbs away from my original starting weight from 2008. So those 90+ lbs I lost? I found most of them of again. Almost all of them, in fact. I'm nearly back to where I started four years ago.
It breaks my heart to know that, and it's scary to share it here. How did I get back here? How did everything go so wrong?
Part of me almost wishes I had never lost the weight, because then I'd have nothing to compare it to. I wouldn't feel like such a failure. People always say, "Well, at least you did it once, that means you know you can do it again!" But I don't know if it works like that.
I spend a lot of my time -- far more than I'd like to admit -- worrying that THIS is the real me. The person who lost the weight was someone else, a mirage, an illusion, and now the real me is back -- weak-willed, gluttonous, a pathetic combination of laziness and poor coping skills. I try to remind myself that it's all just me -- I was fat before and then I was thinner and now I'm fatter again, but the me inside hasn't changed. But that voice is only one in a crowd, in a chorus of other voices, all of which hiss "Pigggggggg." It's hard to ignore all those voices.
I mean, who does that? Who gains 75lbs in two years? How is that even possible? The thing that worries me most is: where will I stop? Last time I made it to 257 before I said enough is enough. Now I'm edging up on 240 again -- where will I stop? If I don't do something to change, will I end up at 300 lbs? 400? More? I seriously believe that it's possible. And that is the scariest thing in the world to know about yourself, that you have a hunger inside you, an emptiness, that is virtually impossible to fill.
I want to change. I have been going back and forth with so many things this year, but I need commit to something, one way or another. I'm feeling more motivated today and I wanted to commit to something but I don't want to be that person who keeps coming back and saying "This time I'm going to do it! No really, you guys, I mean it this time!" I want to just do it. I want to just do it.
I want to just do it.