Sunday, February 3, 2013

how did I get here?

This week I made a startling and sad discovery -- I'm less than 20lbs away from my original starting weight from 2008. So those 90+ lbs I lost? I found most of them of again. Almost all of them, in fact. I'm nearly back to where I started four years ago.

It breaks my heart to know that, and it's scary to share it here. How did I get back here? How did everything go so wrong?

Part of me almost wishes I had never lost the weight, because then I'd have nothing to compare it to. I wouldn't feel like such a failure. People always say, "Well, at least you did it once, that means you know you can do it again!" But I don't know if it works like that.

I spend a lot of my time -- far more than I'd like to admit -- worrying that THIS is the real me. The person who lost the weight was someone else, a mirage, an illusion, and now the real me is back -- weak-willed, gluttonous, a pathetic combination of laziness and poor coping skills. I try to remind myself that it's all just me -- I was fat before and then I was thinner and now I'm fatter again, but the me inside hasn't changed. But that voice is only one in a crowd, in a chorus of other voices, all of which hiss "Pigggggggg." It's hard to ignore all those voices.

I mean, who does that? Who gains 75lbs in two years? How is that even possible? The thing that worries me most is: where will I stop? Last time I made it to 257 before I said enough is enough. Now I'm edging up on 240 again -- where will I stop? If I don't do something to change, will I end up at 300 lbs? 400? More? I seriously believe that it's possible. And that is the scariest thing in the world to know about yourself, that you have a hunger inside you, an emptiness, that is virtually impossible to fill.

I want to change. I have been going back and forth with so many things this year, but I need commit to something, one way or another. I'm feeling more motivated today and I wanted to commit to something but I don't want to be that person who keeps coming back and saying "This time I'm going to do it! No really, you guys, I mean it this time!" I want to just do it. I want to just do it.

I want to just do it.

9 comments:

  1. Andrea.

    All you can do is wake up each morning and just do it. One day at a time. One week at a time, one pound at a time. That's how you did it last time.

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    1. Thank you. I guess I know all that -- it's just hard to remember when you're (feeling like you're) in the depths of despair! :) xo.

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  2. Andrea, this is exactly how I have been feeling for the past few months (this morning I was only 5 pounds under my highest starting weight...). I completely agree with Enz - all we can do is take it one day at a time.

    One thing that's been comforting me is the fact that it takes about seven serious attempts (or something like that) for people to successfully quit smoking - I feel like I've read somewhere something similar for losing weight. So maybe our "failed" attempts are just par for the course and it means we're well on our way to success? (Although the thought of having to do it like six more times before it sticks is super depressing, haha.)

    Hugs.

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    1. Thanks Katie! Even though I'm sad to hear you're in the same boat -- well, it's nice to have someone else in the boat with me! haha! :) Anyway, what is that old proverb -- fall down seven times, stand up eight? Just five or six more times to go! :) xo.

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  3. Don't you worry about being "that person" that "keeps coming back". Restarting is what is stopping you (us) from just giving up either maintaining for gaining for the rest of our lives. I remember seeing you the spring (or was it the summer?) when you were at your lowest, and I remember it giving me so much hope that I could do it, too, so please don't feel like a failure, you're not. Enz is right, just making it through a day full of good choices is infectious, it'll catch.

    xx

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    1. Thanks Erin. I hardly feel like an inspiration these days! Haha. But you're right, restarting might 'feel' embarrassing, but it's better than the alternative. xo.

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  4. Hi Andrea,

    I have no advice, but I wanted to say - You are not alone.

    I have yet to figure out the magic that others seem to have, those people who get to goal and stay there. I always wonder "why not me" but the only thing we can do is just try again and take it one meal, one workout, one thought at a time.

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    1. Thanks Carlee, you're so right. I guess there's nothing to do but keep trying to find that magic -- because really, what's the alternative?? xo.

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  5. I know what you mean - I looked at my previous Weight Watchers cards and each time I was heavier than the last!! I have found something that seems to resonate with me though, the Michelle Bridges 12 week body transformation. I figure I can do anything for 12 weeks and it seems to have worked so far! I am 6kg (13lbs) down in 12 weeks and that is after veering off course a couple of times (Xmas and New Years come to mind!) so this round I am knuckleing down and making a concerted effort. What I am trying to say is, when you find your "thing" it will all come together.

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